Tag Archives: Self-esteem

Day 1 is Easy, Day 2 is Tougher…

Well, life has been very up and down recently. I know it’s not “day 2” for me since I decided to start living wholeheartedly like, last week. But it feels that way. On the first days, it’s easy to be overcome with positivity and determination but as days pass and some difficult things challenge you, it’s so so easy to just fall back into old patterns of clamming up, trying not to feel and wanting to just forget about the whole “journey towards peace” thing.

Of course I won’t just give up that easily, but today serves as a reminder to me that it’s going to be hard, and there’s going to be many more days like this ahead, I’m sure.

Yesterday I went shopping for the first time in a very long time and bought a dress, because I had to as I am going to a wedding on Saturday and had nothing to wear to it. I love this dress I got… I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about a piece of clothing before. It fits perfectly and it makes me feel confident and amazing and I just love it. I’ve also never spent so much money on a piece of clothing before… haha. But it’s well-made, and worth it. Anyway, I felt so great yesterday with that dress. Then this morning, I woke up and just instantly felt like crap about myself. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror while I got ready for work.

This seems to be a common theme… some days I feel great about myself and my appearance, and other days I feel so terrible about it that I can’t even look at myself. Doesn’t seem to be much in the middle, just those two extremes. It’s so frustrating! I don’t even know what the issue is. I look just the same yesterday as I do today, and yet today, I can’t stand it. I want to know why I feel this way.

I know I am not alone in this, but I am finding the “loving yourself” part of wholehearted living pretty damn challenging… at least on the days like today. And yes, I’m in counselling and I’m sure that’s helping somewhat but it’s also bankrupting me. I hope it helps me figure some stuff out soon.

Yesterday’s session was about how to identify feelings, and what complex feelings are (i.e. something that is both good at bad – like my late grandfather – I can be both happy thinking of good memories with him, but also sad at the same time because I miss him). Apparently most people learn this when they are kids. Guess I missed that memo. My ability to describe how I’m feeling basically stops with “good” or “shitty” and beyond that, I don’t really know. So that is something we’re working on, and we’ll see what happens. All I know is that I cried into my breakfast cereal this morning for no apparent reason, so I should probably figure out what that reason is. But it’s pretty hard to figure out something when you’re not sure where to start… Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and maybe it will have some answers for me.

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Day 1 of the Rest of My Life

Day uno, eh. So I decided to start a blog, cue the epic fanfare and parades. I guess I should tell you the reason why I started this. As I wrote on my about page, I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, self-esteem and self-worth issues – plus extra bonus issues for the low, low price of $9.95! – for many years now.

At first, it wasn’t so bad. I was mostly alone all the time so no one saw my imperfections, which was cool by me. I also had plenty of acquaintances to spend my weekends partying with, and that was also cool by me. I had fun, I worked hard at whatever job I had at the time, and I went home and spent some days totally happy and others totally miserable with myself, hiding away in my apartment-cocoon. It was an okay existence by my low standards at the time. But now, my avoidance of my issues doesn’t work anymore – I have real friends and an amazing boyfriend who care about me and don’t let me get away with crap. They challenge me continuously to be a better version of myself, and I owe it to them to conquer my fears and start living an authentic life.

So I said goodbye to my monthly shoe purchasing budget (just kidding, it’s groceries!) and started seeing a counsellor. While I haven’t had any hugely surprising breakthroughs yet (I’ve been twice so far), it has opened my eyes to the fact that there are tools out there to help me and I just need to frickin’ do it already. My counsellor told me to read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown which at first I thought sounded a lot like, “Here’s a stupid self-help book with really obvious information in it.” That was not the case. Ever the A+ student, I read the book and actually enjoyed it. It’s real, practical and grounded in research – perfect for my analytical, logical mind. But it also challenges us to think beyond logic and embrace imperfection, failure, the feeling of not being good enough… and to be okay with those feelings. A novel concept in our North American society, that’s for sure.

But it’s freeing. So freeing to realize that you are good enough, right here, right now, not just if you get that raise or lose the last five pounds.

So, I’m writing this blog to document my journey from a place of darkness to a wholehearted life. Of course I still struggle, I’m new at this liking-myself thing. But I’m going to write about it, and I’m hoping that’s going to keep me going.

If you’re interested in understanding more what I mean when I say things like “authentic life”, “wholehearted living” and “good enough”, check out Brené’s blog. She always posts really great articles touching on subjects from her books, and they’re quite inspiring. Clearly they inspired me, because here I am.